To whom it may concern,
I want to apologize for pissing you off. If I have not done so, I apologize that I will piss you off pretty soon. I had meningioma surgery ~8 years ago (February of 2014). It was bad. My Neurosurgeon told me- you have the best of the worst. I guess that was good news. She told me- there is a good chance you could die, go blind, forget many things including family members, and become a ballerina dancer. She said many more things but after those 4 I couldn’t hear her anymore. When the lawyer came to my house and had me fill out papers called my Last Directive (something like that) I knew it was go time. The 11 hour surgery went well, or so I heard. After the surgery I noticed I was blind in my left eye and learning to walk again was very difficult! It took me an entire month until they felt it was safe to release me. The truth is, I am not really sure it was safe to release me. I noticed right away that when I was driving that if someone cut me off I HAD to confront them. In simmering rage. I am ashamed to admit this but I was getting ready to turn left, in the turn lane, when I guy shot over 3 lanes to get in front of me to also make a left turn. He did not make the light so when he came to a stop I got out of my car and pounded on his door window. He rolled it down and in the most loving, gentle way that I could think of I said- What the hell was that?!! Yeah. I really pounded on his car and said that. Of all my wonderful sins that is now my crowning achievement. I can’t even imagine if any of my students or church friends saw me what they would think *shudder* I guess it was like some sort of ‘shot across the bow.’ I quickly realized something was definitely broken in my head. The first MRI confirmed this. >50% of my frontal lobe had been permanently destroyed. Your frontal lobe is your Executive Function. I was told it is something like the guy upstairs who jumps on the guys downstairs (factory workers?) and tells them- knock it off down there! Quit recording your farts and get back to work! I no longer have that guy. I guess the new me is best described as ‘unfiltered.’ I am now Erv 'unplugged?' I also noticed that I felt different all the time. I had to even invent words that I had never used before- agitated and angst. I am always pegged at a level 10. My wife told me- you are like a woman who is on her period 24/7. I think that is what she said. I couldn’t hear her after she said- you are like a woman… My daughter told me- why are you so unkind? Then she said- you don’t know how you ‘present’ anymore. Meaning, I don’t say bad things but the *way* I say ‘anything’ is most always bad. Actually, I do say bad things. For over a year, maybe even two, I said the “F” word every day. Many times! Even in my prayers! And it wasn’t the word “F”orgive me! Another thing I noticed is that after I was cut off, the rage did not go away. Maybe it did. But it was literally months later! Every day for months! That is when I noticed not only can I not ‘regulate’ my emotions, I can’t even ‘modulate’ them. My self-talk was completely gone. Or, only the demon guy on my shoulder could talk. The angel guy on my other shoulder was gone! I told people- the surgery was somewhat successful but when they cut me ear to ear and pulled my brains out the Holy Spirit floated away. I have never felt more sinful than I do right now (or then). For years afterwards, I would always carry this awful feeling of angst, agitation and even guilt. When I was normal I would take these as indicators that I had sinned and quickly pray and confess my sin to the Lord. Now I noticed I would feel this and go to confess my sin and realize that I hadn’t sinned but this was my new normal. My baseline. Luckily when I said the “F” words and pulled people over on the road I at least had some sin I could confess :/ Problem was, I never felt better afterwards. Okay. This is going on way to long. I am sure no one has read this far. I haven’t even read this far and I am writing it :/ So, yeah, I had every doctor in the world meeting with me 2-3x/week. They were all brilliant and had the word “Neuro” in their title but I could tell they had no idea how to fix me. One guy told me, hey, you are like a living Phineas Gage. It’s true. Look him up. I think he is even blind in his left eye. His frontal lobe was destroyed in a freak accident on the train tracks. He also became a jerk right afterwards and moved to South America, I believe. I am on medication. I drink one cup of wine (I did a bunch of Design of Experiments (DOE) and determined at that amount the crazy in my head/body would come down one notch. Only one but still, I will take what I can get. My son is a Research Scientist (Chemist) and my daughter is an Addictions Counselor. They both agree that wine is hard on the body and were nice enough to send me a marijuana vape stick. <insert shocked emoji face here> So, I will use that sometime. Maybe I just stop here.
As for recently, I felt my normal level of ‘crap’ after last Tuesday. It should have been a signal to everyone when I haven’t been attending and also that I did not do my lesson. Offline for >1 month. It wasn’t until afterwards where I thought- Chris was really taking a stand on the verse about the authority Jesus gives His followers. I should have kept quiet and just let him go with it. It was obviously very meaningful to him. By jumping in and declaring- I have never understood this Bible verse, although that was a very true statement, it did not need to be said then or there. Then there was the discussion about denying ourselves and taking up the cross. I sort of felt that someone should have told me that when I got saved because later on I found out that deny/cross thing would hurt more that I could imagine. Again, that did not need to be said then or there. Then I tried to give an example of dying to self like- I couldn’t be a famous engineer or have a BMW or… Well, a few pointed out that those were not necessarily evil things. And I agree with that. I was just trying to give an example that I came face to face with my new life in Christ and said- it is not about me. Nothing is about me. So, I regretted poking that hornets nest. Finally, I was sort of bummed that I could not even count the cost and drive 5 miles to BSF training so I could go into the prison. Then I got sad that my SSDI nightmare was fanned into flame in a phone call with SSDI an hour before the meeting. As I was whining, talking, Bill K jumped in and said- I want to thank you all brothers for your prayers. Things have been very hard for me lately with my health but I know your prayers are getting me through. At that instant I wanted to shoot myself in the face. I wish I had said NOTHING for the entire meeting and just let Bill K express his trial and his thoughts. I am sure there are even more things I did that I regret but I will stop here.
I thank God for all of you guys ALWAYS. ALWAYS. You guys are the real deal. BSF has become the only good thing left in my life. Well, and my granddaughter. But everywhere else I just have problems and suffer. My wife and are no longer close. Another way I understand my brain disability is I am now all ‘left’ brain. SO I can still do Math. Hooray :/ So what? My wife is a hairdresser and perhaps the most right brained human on Earth. When she talks I can’t understand a single thing she says and I know that breaks her heart. She says often- we had such a good marriage before this. I am so glad she is a strong Christian. During the first 2 years after the surgery when I noticed I was now more like a serial killer than I was a Christian, I told her many, many times- I would not blame you at all if you divorced me. Fortunately, she took that whole ‘better or for worse’ thing seriously and she said- never! Jon and all of you BSF guys have been just, shoot, can’t think of the superlative. That is also a problem, I seem to struggle to find words now. It has something to do with I can’t think of the ‘exact’ word so my brain spins in a loop. Before, I would just think of some word, say it, and think- that’s close enough. Anyway, you guys are great. Wonderful Christian men! A delight to my heart! Probably the only good thing that God has shown me in all of this. So, no matter what, I need to stay connected to BSF, Jon and all of you guys. Yes. No matter what. Even if I have to be put on mute in every meeting! God bless you guys! I do love you all. If I lived closer all of you would be my best friends. I hope some day to fly out and meet at least some of you. If not, I am sure we will run into each other in heaven. - Erv
https://iamerv.wordpress.com/ (a few notes I made after my surgery)
I want to apologize for pissing you off. If I have not done so, I apologize that I will piss you off pretty soon. I had meningioma surgery ~8 years ago (February of 2014). It was bad. My Neurosurgeon told me- you have the best of the worst. I guess that was good news. She told me- there is a good chance you could die, go blind, forget many things including family members, and become a ballerina dancer. She said many more things but after those 4 I couldn’t hear her anymore. When the lawyer came to my house and had me fill out papers called my Last Directive (something like that) I knew it was go time. The 11 hour surgery went well, or so I heard. After the surgery I noticed I was blind in my left eye and learning to walk again was very difficult! It took me an entire month until they felt it was safe to release me. The truth is, I am not really sure it was safe to release me. I noticed right away that when I was driving that if someone cut me off I HAD to confront them. In simmering rage. I am ashamed to admit this but I was getting ready to turn left, in the turn lane, when I guy shot over 3 lanes to get in front of me to also make a left turn. He did not make the light so when he came to a stop I got out of my car and pounded on his door window. He rolled it down and in the most loving, gentle way that I could think of I said- What the hell was that?!! Yeah. I really pounded on his car and said that. Of all my wonderful sins that is now my crowning achievement. I can’t even imagine if any of my students or church friends saw me what they would think *shudder* I guess it was like some sort of ‘shot across the bow.’ I quickly realized something was definitely broken in my head. The first MRI confirmed this. >50% of my frontal lobe had been permanently destroyed. Your frontal lobe is your Executive Function. I was told it is something like the guy upstairs who jumps on the guys downstairs (factory workers?) and tells them- knock it off down there! Quit recording your farts and get back to work! I no longer have that guy. I guess the new me is best described as ‘unfiltered.’ I am now Erv 'unplugged?' I also noticed that I felt different all the time. I had to even invent words that I had never used before- agitated and angst. I am always pegged at a level 10. My wife told me- you are like a woman who is on her period 24/7. I think that is what she said. I couldn’t hear her after she said- you are like a woman… My daughter told me- why are you so unkind? Then she said- you don’t know how you ‘present’ anymore. Meaning, I don’t say bad things but the *way* I say ‘anything’ is most always bad. Actually, I do say bad things. For over a year, maybe even two, I said the “F” word every day. Many times! Even in my prayers! And it wasn’t the word “F”orgive me! Another thing I noticed is that after I was cut off, the rage did not go away. Maybe it did. But it was literally months later! Every day for months! That is when I noticed not only can I not ‘regulate’ my emotions, I can’t even ‘modulate’ them. My self-talk was completely gone. Or, only the demon guy on my shoulder could talk. The angel guy on my other shoulder was gone! I told people- the surgery was somewhat successful but when they cut me ear to ear and pulled my brains out the Holy Spirit floated away. I have never felt more sinful than I do right now (or then). For years afterwards, I would always carry this awful feeling of angst, agitation and even guilt. When I was normal I would take these as indicators that I had sinned and quickly pray and confess my sin to the Lord. Now I noticed I would feel this and go to confess my sin and realize that I hadn’t sinned but this was my new normal. My baseline. Luckily when I said the “F” words and pulled people over on the road I at least had some sin I could confess :/ Problem was, I never felt better afterwards. Okay. This is going on way to long. I am sure no one has read this far. I haven’t even read this far and I am writing it :/ So, yeah, I had every doctor in the world meeting with me 2-3x/week. They were all brilliant and had the word “Neuro” in their title but I could tell they had no idea how to fix me. One guy told me, hey, you are like a living Phineas Gage. It’s true. Look him up. I think he is even blind in his left eye. His frontal lobe was destroyed in a freak accident on the train tracks. He also became a jerk right afterwards and moved to South America, I believe. I am on medication. I drink one cup of wine (I did a bunch of Design of Experiments (DOE) and determined at that amount the crazy in my head/body would come down one notch. Only one but still, I will take what I can get. My son is a Research Scientist (Chemist) and my daughter is an Addictions Counselor. They both agree that wine is hard on the body and were nice enough to send me a marijuana vape stick. <insert shocked emoji face here> So, I will use that sometime. Maybe I just stop here.
As for recently, I felt my normal level of ‘crap’ after last Tuesday. It should have been a signal to everyone when I haven’t been attending and also that I did not do my lesson. Offline for >1 month. It wasn’t until afterwards where I thought- Chris was really taking a stand on the verse about the authority Jesus gives His followers. I should have kept quiet and just let him go with it. It was obviously very meaningful to him. By jumping in and declaring- I have never understood this Bible verse, although that was a very true statement, it did not need to be said then or there. Then there was the discussion about denying ourselves and taking up the cross. I sort of felt that someone should have told me that when I got saved because later on I found out that deny/cross thing would hurt more that I could imagine. Again, that did not need to be said then or there. Then I tried to give an example of dying to self like- I couldn’t be a famous engineer or have a BMW or… Well, a few pointed out that those were not necessarily evil things. And I agree with that. I was just trying to give an example that I came face to face with my new life in Christ and said- it is not about me. Nothing is about me. So, I regretted poking that hornets nest. Finally, I was sort of bummed that I could not even count the cost and drive 5 miles to BSF training so I could go into the prison. Then I got sad that my SSDI nightmare was fanned into flame in a phone call with SSDI an hour before the meeting. As I was whining, talking, Bill K jumped in and said- I want to thank you all brothers for your prayers. Things have been very hard for me lately with my health but I know your prayers are getting me through. At that instant I wanted to shoot myself in the face. I wish I had said NOTHING for the entire meeting and just let Bill K express his trial and his thoughts. I am sure there are even more things I did that I regret but I will stop here.
I thank God for all of you guys ALWAYS. ALWAYS. You guys are the real deal. BSF has become the only good thing left in my life. Well, and my granddaughter. But everywhere else I just have problems and suffer. My wife and are no longer close. Another way I understand my brain disability is I am now all ‘left’ brain. SO I can still do Math. Hooray :/ So what? My wife is a hairdresser and perhaps the most right brained human on Earth. When she talks I can’t understand a single thing she says and I know that breaks her heart. She says often- we had such a good marriage before this. I am so glad she is a strong Christian. During the first 2 years after the surgery when I noticed I was now more like a serial killer than I was a Christian, I told her many, many times- I would not blame you at all if you divorced me. Fortunately, she took that whole ‘better or for worse’ thing seriously and she said- never! Jon and all of you BSF guys have been just, shoot, can’t think of the superlative. That is also a problem, I seem to struggle to find words now. It has something to do with I can’t think of the ‘exact’ word so my brain spins in a loop. Before, I would just think of some word, say it, and think- that’s close enough. Anyway, you guys are great. Wonderful Christian men! A delight to my heart! Probably the only good thing that God has shown me in all of this. So, no matter what, I need to stay connected to BSF, Jon and all of you guys. Yes. No matter what. Even if I have to be put on mute in every meeting! God bless you guys! I do love you all. If I lived closer all of you would be my best friends. I hope some day to fly out and meet at least some of you. If not, I am sure we will run into each other in heaven. - Erv
https://iamerv.wordpress.com/ (a few notes I made after my surgery)